Posted in About the Author, Anxiety and Experience

The House I Built…

I got very good at letting my feelings fester and rot inside of me. My tongue punctured and scarred from biting down to keep from letting the words come bubbling out from my raw vocal chords that spent too many hours silently screaming.

I became a builder of my own solitary confinement. Brick by brick I built walls around myself to protect, to block, and to surround myself with something familiar yet solid. I built a house full of empty promises and lies to soothe my shattered confidence, screaming into every corner and crack, hoping the foundation would be strong enough to hold up my secrets. Keeping everyone else on the outside at a comfortable distance, close but not quite letting them see inside to the wobbly foundation that I had perched my house on. A careful balance of tip toeing back and forth to keep the walls upright.

I learned that so long as you smile, just a little smirk will do, people will find your “I’m fine” more believable. The smile does not even have to reach the eyes. So a deep breath and a smile would get me through this moment, and onto the next five minutes, and the next. Until I could spare a moment to myself to finally let out a heavy sigh and relax my face. With the drop of my shoulders, it feels like the whole facade drops and the foundation of my house shakes. But the walls quickly go back up, the smile put back in place, and on to try to get through the next 5 minutes, and then the next.

Some days I feel my emotions come pouring in and out of me like waves, washing over me in brilliant blue hues and deep dark greens. Other days, I feel uncomfortably numb, like I am standing barefoot in sheets of grayish snow. I feel as though I am not in control of this body, but merely an observer looking out. A well worn traveler with no destination, wandering aimlessly for meaning and creature comfort.

My body is an open book of scars and tattoos, showcasing my journey from self destructive injury to comfortable self acceptance. If not quite love then at least likability in my own skin. My broken and chewed nails showcase my anxiety, the nail punctures on my palms my struggle to keep balanced. My chewed and bloody lips a testament to my inner battle, a desire to keep in the words that so desperately want to come pouring out of me. I am at odds with myself, craving to be positive and happy yet my mind wading into dark waters. I endlessly float in a sea of happiness that I cannot seem to baptize myself in, forever lapping at the shore to be bounced back out to the depressive sea again.

But I always come back home, to my walls of brick and ink. The walls covered with my stories and insecurities, wrapping me in a dark quiet, waiting for the day I can pull the blinds back and let the sun shine in through the cracks. In the corner I sit, wave after wave crashing over me and into me, the pain absorbing into my bones until I ache. Soft music playing, my security blanket, blocking out the noise from the outside.

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Posted in About the Author

Fun Facts to get the Ball Rolling

I am 27 years old, self identified introvert, a Ravenclaw, and a Gemini.

I am adopted.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Agoraphobia, have a panic disorder, and have medical problems that are still a complete mystery.

I am a kitty mom to two fur monsters, Sherlock and Watson. #AdoptDontShop

My favorite song is Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg.

If I had to pick favorite movies: Beauty and the Beast, A Walk to Remember, Boondock Saints, See No Evil, and absolutely anything with Tom Hanks.

I use “awesome sauce” and “cool beans” in every day conversation.

I can frequently be spotted in used bookstores. I get lost among the stacks.

I have a bachelors degree in American Sign Language/Deaf Community Studies.

I have been to 10 countries, not including my own, so far. But only been to 7 states. My bucket list includes a lot more traveling.

Posted in About the Author

RambleMeSmart: Getting Started

The purpose of this online space is to compile my thoughts, my interests, my experiences, joys and successes, as well as what I have learned along the way that I think may be helpful to others. I will post lists of music and books I enjoy, products that I use and recommend, stories/poems of personal experiences, erotic stories, and hopefully eventually get to add podcasts and videos. I want this to be a calm spot that can offer a friendly voice and maybe even a spark of inspiration.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -Wayne Gretsky

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. I am not experienced but I do have the passion to get the ball rolling. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new content!